Dead Leaves

Worries are like dead leaves. They return every season, or suddenly appear out of it, hiding until we overturn a rock; or show themselves during a trek into the woods. This particular leaf was out of sight and mind until the wind plastered it against my chest. Raising my eyebrows I peered down. My thumb traced its brittle texture, each line like a road from an aerial view, each path leading back to the same destination. Worries are the same. Different paths to the same place. Different avenues to the same sorrow. How hard a road when it's traveled, and how insignificant when we see it, from far away on perspective’s hill.

I wanted to let this little worry go, but I held on. Grasping the stem between my index finger and thumb, I carried it inside for analysis, to understand its shape and perhaps, through turning it over and over, to obtain some mastery over it. But the longer I carried it, the more it mastered me. The longer I held on, the less I wanted to let go. And much like the wind before a storm, the first gust of a worry should serve as our warning; for that is the very moment we should let it go and watch it fly out of our consciousness. For what is worry, but anxiety over the past, a grave we cannot dig up and a dimension our humanity cannot enter? You cannot hold on to dead things and expect them to give you life.

And what else is worry, but anxiety over the future, that which hasn’t yet come to life? What if I can’t…what if I never…what if…what if…what if. How ironic that anxiety wants to either resurrect what’s dead, or bring to life that which isn’t born, two realities which exist outside of human control.

But there is power in the present.

Our minds can only entertain and control this moment, and this is the prescription Jesus offers. For a mind to have power over the present, it must let go of the past and the future. For you to breathe in the calm and peace of the present, you must accept your existence through Christ’s past (His death) and Christ’s future (His salvation). Hold eternity and you hold the present. Jesus defeated every evil we’ve ever committed, and every evil committed against us. So when your thoughts start with “What if”, know you’re trying to predict the future, to enter a place only God Himself can go. And when your thoughts obsess over the past, know you’re trying to resurrect the dead. Both endeavors yield madness, for both are only mastered by the Divine.

Later on I sat under a large oak in a blustery wind, the branches above swayed violently back and forth. Suddenly I remembered my old leaf, and pulled it from my pocket. Its lightest shades of green were now gone. Fascinated by the mess it became, with the flick of my wrist, cast it away into a gust where it belonged. 

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

1 Peter 5:6-8

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 18:2-3